Everyone's Coming Up Pregnant

4-6-09

Mr. Crud and I are undulating through cat and cow poses in our usual Sunday afternoon yoga class. The teacher halts our arching and kicks things up a notch with some core work.

“The pregnant ladies may wish to skip this one,” she says.

Even as I tell myself to keep with my breath, to concentrate on my movement, my practice, I surreptitiously steal glances around the room, trying to suss out the pregnant among us. I spy with my little eye a swollen belly on the woman by the window who is doing her own modification. But my teacher said ladieS, plural. My gaze falls on Dr. Awesome, an occasional Sunday afternoon yoga compatriot. She is modifying too. Hmmm… Her shirt hangs baggy. Could it be? Yeah, could be. And so?

The teacher brings us to a cross-legged position for a few minutes of meditation. We do a leisurely twist. I steal more looks at Dr. Awesome’s midsection. Mid-twist I see it, the bump. Dr. Awesome is 4-5 months pregnant by my estimation. Shit. This is totally going to mess with my yoga class. I go through my now familiar “Wow she’s pregnant” stages. Anger, denial, acceptance and so on. I decide that it’s okay if Dr. Awesome is pregnant (how big of me) and that I will be okay with going to see her if/when I get pregnant again. I wonder if it will feel worse getting miscarriage news from a pregnant woman. Nah, probably not. Should that news come again, I doubt the pregnancy state of the bearer of more doom will occupy my mind much. I’ll be too busy rending garments and letting loose a stream of curse words. Also crying. Lots of crying.

After my dip into worst-case-scenario land, I return to the land of actual concerns. How long will Dr. Awesome’s maternity leave last? Does she have enough of a head start on me? Crap. I should have totally gotten knocked up at my first chance. I wonder if things will necessarily be weird after class. I have imaginary conversations in my head: “Hey Dr. Awesome. Congratulations! When are you due? Cool.”

Whenever someone knows of my miscarriage history I feel this need to be extra excited about their pregnancies as it to convince us both that I’m having no hard feelings about it. I remind myself that I did not come to yoga to contemplate my physician’s pregnancy, which quiets the voices for a little while, but every time I catch a glimpse of her swollen belly they kick back into gear.

After class Mr. Crud and I talk to the teacher about our recent travel adventures. Dr. Awesome sits on the bench stuffing her feet into boots. She sniffles.

“How are you?” I ask her.

“Oh good. Just getting over a little cold,” she says.

“It’s tough to get rid of them in this weather,” Mr. Crud says.

I try not to stare at her belly, the elephant in my room.

Mr. Crud and I head out into the rainy afternoon. After we are a block away, I say, “Dr. Awesome is totally pregnant.”

“Really? I didn’t notice.” He says.

“Yup. Really.”

“Huh.”

We go over the time line for our plans to step back in the pregnancy ring. “I might have to get another doctor. Maybe Dr. D & C? I like her.”

“Let’s not get ahead of ourselves,” Mr. Crud says.

Oh yeah. Right. I guess I need to get pregnant first.