Introducing Peabody 2

The Peabody Project Chronicles was my blog-to-be about my first pregnancy. Sadly this pregnancy ended in miscarriage—technically a “missed abortion—on that most foolish of days, April 1, and I never published a word of the 60 pages I’d written. Losing the pregnancy was devastating, an experience that changed me, and the way I view my body and the world profoundly. Mr. Crud, my husband’s nom de blog, and I knew that we would try again, that the odds were in our favor for a successful pregnancy, and so after waiting the suggested three months, we did.

When I received a positive pregnancy test August 9, 2008, 8 months after the first positive pregnancy test, I was not overcome with joy or relief, but fear. Shit. What if it happens all over again? What have we gotten ourselves into this time? Shit fuck shit. The easy optimism of my first pregnancy vanished with the miscarriage. As much as I assured myself with statistics and the fact that I had no control over whether this pregnancy would end in miscarriage, my fingers went cold with terror.

During the early days of the miscarriage I found solace in hearing the voices of other women who had been through a similar experience. I emailed family members and friends who shared their experiences. I read books. I spent a lot of time googling “miscarriage” and “missed abortion” and “pregnancy after miscarriage.” I still google.

Now I feel like it is time to add my voice to the chorus by sharing my experiences with pregnancy after miscarriage. Unlike the first time, I have not waited the recommended 3 months to tell people about my pregnancy. I ended up telling everyone about my miscarriage anyway, so why hold back? Please don’t feel like you should hold back either. Comments are welcome and encouraged. The blog is about 2 months behind where I am now—about 9 weeks pregnant—as I started writing immediately upon learning I was pregnant but have been too busy to get the blog off the ground until now.

Peabody was the joke name that Mr. Crud and I gave the child we hoped to have. After the miscarriage, we soul searched to a seemingly ridiculous degree about whether the name Peabody died with the first embryo. We never really decided one way or another, but soon started using Peabody again. The name embodies the child we hoped to have and because that hope did not die, the name didn't either. I have named the miscarried soul, Primo, the Italian word for first.

Thanks to all the friends, old and new, who have shared their experiences with me.